My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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