he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
