I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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