epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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