I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
