Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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