Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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