Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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