I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
