I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
