if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
