mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm passing your future prison.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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