Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
