i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
