In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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