Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
