I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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