I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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