You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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