his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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