i love accidental penises.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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