and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
