I am midnight drunk by noon
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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