I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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