Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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