He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
