nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
