Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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