Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
