Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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