Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
