If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
