i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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