Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
