I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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