A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
