just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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