you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
