at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
