Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
