i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
