i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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