apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
