she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
