Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
