Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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