thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize