My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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