just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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