She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
