Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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