I didn't shave. On purpose
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize