Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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