New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
