You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
