from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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